When parents decide to end their marriage, they often worry about the effects their divorce will have on their children. After all, divorce marks a significant shift in your family dynamics and can be challenging for kids of any age. Some children may have to navigate living part-time in two separate homes. Some will have to adjust to spending more time with one parent than the other. Others may worry about having to change schools, make new friends, or meet a new stepparent, and some may even feel a sense of relief when their parents decide to separate. It all depends on the specific situation, the children’s ages and personalities, unique family dynamics, and plenty of other factors.
In any case, know that your kids will almost certainly be okay in the long run. Research has shown that only a small percentage of children whose parents divorce experience long-term negative effects; most begin to show a significant decrease in the initial reactions to divorce—such as shock, anger, and anxiety—by the second year. In fact, most kids adjust well over time. Numerous studies have shown only a small difference between children of divorced parents and those with parents who were still married when it came to areas such as academic achievements, social relationships, and behavioral issues.
Every child handles divorce differently. However, insights from experts can help parents understand what approach might be best to help their kids navigate this transition and make the process easier for the entire family.
How Divorce Can Affect Children of Different Ages
Divorce is an extremely personal thing, and it affects each member of the family in a different way. This is true not only of the spouses involved but also of children whose parents ultimately decide to separate. While one child may bounce back and move on relatively quickly, another may struggle to heal emotionally from what feels like their world falling apart. It’s important that parents remain attentive to their children’s unique needs during this time.
Although kids react to divorce differently, studies have shown that certain age groups may be more likely to react in specific ways. Additionally, the effects of divorce on kids differ slightly depending on their ages. Below, we’ve outlined some of these tendencies so that parents can be more aware of what to expect.
Babies & Young Children
There is relatively little research on the impact of divorce on babies and very young children (i.e., those under the age of 5). Still, parents of infants and toddlers should keep certain considerations in mind when navigating divorce.
First, child development research has shown a strong link between parental involvement and early emotional security. The more involved a parent is, the more secure the attachment will be between the child and the parent. When parents separate, a child may spend more time with one parent than the other, which can lead to some degree of separation anxiety, stranger anxiety, and/or other attachment issues.
Additionally, various studies have found that babies and young children may be more likely to suffer from attachment insecurity, unsettled behavior, and emotional dysregulation with more frequent overnights with their separated parents. However, several of these studies also found that, more than the frequency of overnights, factors like parental conflict, communication, involvement, and warmth had a greater impact on these outcomes in young children by the time they reached the ages of 3 to 5. This suggests that when parents are less involved, or when there is greater conflict and/or poor communication between parents, young children are more likely to suffer negative outcomes related to their parents separating.
There is still a lot of debate surrounding the best approach when it comes to sharing custody of infants and toddlers. Some argue that frequent overnights with both parents can be disruptive to a young child’s sense of stability and routine, leading to negative emotional and behavioral outcomes. Others assert that time spent with both parents is critical to the child’s level of attachment and emotional security with either parent. Finding what works best for your family can be challenging, but there are many steps you can take to help limit the impact of divorce on your young child.
Children Younger Than 10
Kids between the ages of 5 and 10 will have a much better—though not complete—understanding of what it means when their parents separate than younger children. As a result, the impact of a divorce on kids of this age group can look a lot different.
According to psychologist Carl E. Pickhardt, children whose parents divorce when they are younger than 10 years old may increase their dependence on a parent in an attempt to compensate for a lack of confidence and security. At this age, most of a child’s social life revolves around their immediate family. Divorce, therefore, can be particularly disruptive to children’s sense of routine and stability. This can lead to an increase in regressive behavior, such as more crying at bedtime, tantrums, increased clinginess, and even bedwetting.
Some studies show that divorce may be toughest on kids in this age group. This is because they not only have a better understanding of more complex emotions, such as blame, but also because they are better able to remember the happier times (or happier feelings) before the divorce. Elementary aged children may be more worried about their perceived role in the divorce, which can significantly impact their current and future well-being. It’s important that you and your spouse try to limit conflict and work out the details of the divorce away from your kids. If possible, both parents should ideally remain involved in their kids’ lives, but this is not always possible.
The good news is that, even though this is a particularly tough age for kids to experience the separation of their parents, most will heal emotionally as they grow older and come to terms with the divorce. It is very possible—and even likely—for children of divorce to not only get by but actually thrive as they enter their teenage and adult years.
Adolescents
While children younger than 10 may tend to become more dependent after a divorce, it’s just the opposite for adolescents. Dr. Pickhardt asserts that adolescents (typically defined as people from ages 10 or 12 to 19) are more likely to display increased independence following a divorce. This attempt at asserting greater independence can look like aggression, rebellion, anger, or even attempts at “getting back at” the parents. It’s not uncommon for teenagers to want to live with one parent over the other. The court may take this into consideration when awarding custody, depending on the child’s age, but not always.
Often, this is a reaction to a perceived loss of control; by acting out, Dr. Pickhardt claims, an adolescent or teenager may feel that they are essentially taking back control of their life and asserting a greater degree of separation from their family. Teenagers’ social lives typically revolve more around their friends than their immediate families. As a result, they may be more worried about the social impact of the divorce. Will they have to change schools? Spend weekends away from their friends? The uncertainty of this change can lead to significant emotional turmoil.
However, adolescents are also more likely to understand the underlying issues that led to their parents’ separation. They are less likely than younger kids to feel at fault for the divorce or that their parents should stay together no matter what. This is especially true when there is a high degree of parental conflict preceding the divorce. In such instances, adolescents may even feel some relief that the fighting will finally stop.
Adult Children
While the bulk of the research on how divorce affects children centers on those under the age of 19, adult children can still be significantly impacted by their parents’ divorce. When parents divorce later in life (known as “gray divorce”), their grown kids can experience a wide range of emotions, from shock to anger to grief. In fact, divorce can be particularly challenging for “kids” in this age group, as their feelings are often less prioritized than those of younger children and because they may be more active participants. Parents may lean on their adult children for emotional support during a divorce, which can lead to awkward and uncomfortable situations for the grown kids involved.
A gray divorce could also affect how adult children view their childhood, especially if there was little parental conflict before the divorce. It may mean the loss of a childhood home or pressure to “choose sides” between parents. Adult children may struggle with personal and/or romantic relationships in the wake of their parents separating.
Parents should remember that, regardless of their ages, their kids are still their kids. They should avoid sharing sensitive information or details of the divorce with their adult children unless absolutely necessary.
Minimizing the Impact of Divorce on Children: Dos & Don’ts
In the long-term, children of divorce may be at a higher risk for mental and behavioral health problems, both immediately after the separation and later in life. However, this does not mean parents should lose hope when it comes to the impact of their divorce on their children. No matter how old your kids are, taking certain steps to lessen the negative impacts of a divorce on your children is possible.
While you may be eager to move on, it’s important to remember that your kids—no matter how old they are—are likely feeling overwhelmed by this big change.
Here are some things you can do to help minimize the impact of your divorce on your kids:
- Do: Maintain Healthy Relationships – As much as possible, try to keep things between yourself and your spouse healthy and amicable, at least in front of your children.
- Don’t: Fight in Front of the Kids – Conflict can increase feelings of anxiety, instability, and worry in children. Try to keep conflict behind closed doors.
- Do: Maintain Normal Routines – Your kids may be feeling that their world is falling apart. Maintaining your normal routines as much as possible can help ensure a sense of security.
- Don’t: Put Your Kids in the Middle – Kids should never feel like they have to choose between their parents. Avoid putting your kids in the middle of your divorce by talking badly about their other parent or leaning excessively on your children for support.
- Do: Prioritize Predictability – Keep routines the same and make sure your kids know what to expect now and after the divorce to help them feel safe and secure.
- Don’t: Dismiss Feelings – Respond sympathetically to your children’s feelings. Let them know you are there for them to talk to about how they feel without judgment.
- Do: Communicate Appropriately – Explain the divorce, emphasizing its permanence, and keep open communication with your children. However, avoid sharing any details about the divorce that could cause emotional distress.
No matter what, it’s important to remember that divorce is a massive change, and this can be challenging for everyone, including your children. For younger children, this might be the first big change they’ve experienced. Even adult children may struggle with the transition. There is no “right” or “wrong” way for a child to react to their parents divorcing, but there are things you can do to help minimize the impact of a divorce on your kids.